I was saying "YES" when I really wanted to say "NO"
I was torn between speaking to a therapist, a psychiatrist or the police…
I chose the former.
I remember walking into a building that didn’t look solemn enough for the sort of problems I was bringing to it.
I knew I was going to meet a woman. However I was hoping she would be the kind grave enough to meet the seriousness of my situation.
To my dismay, she was a young asian woman, with a sporty laid back outfit sipping on a green juice, kick-starting her early morning.
“That wasn’t good”, my 20-something year old brain thought.
I reluctantly shared the watered down version of my predicament, cautiously exposing my situation to her.
I masterfully hid the terror I was in under a load of justifications meant to cover the shame I was feeling.
Anxiously, I asked her for a preliminary diagnosis. I was convinced she would need a few months and many sessions to properly peel those layers and uncover the source of my troubles.
Without hesitation, she said she was ready.
That was really alarming! The complexity of this situation surely required a much longer deliberation!
Yet, she was ready.
“You lack proper boundaries” she said simply.
I was right. I knew our cultures would clash.
She explained: “Boundaries are not limiting. People who lack boundaries tend to get into situations similar to what you are describing.”
Noticing my perplexity, she added: “Think of your boundaries as gates to access you. Would you let anyone walk through those gates as they please? Who decides how and when someone comes in?”
I paused…
My highly informed specialist came out from the shadows of my blindspot with a new concept I had never really considered in that way…
“Just like a baby in a swaddle, boundaries will keep you safe”
In the years that followed, it was a recurring struggle with boundaries.
They were constantly being tested at work, at home, with my friends and community. In my mind.
I had to solve it.
In mathematics you can solve a problem in many ways but if you are stuck or forgot your formulas, you can always go back to “first principles” to find the answer.
Over two thousand years ago, Aristotle defined a “first principle” as “the first basis from which a thing is known.”
In real life, first principles thinking is a problem-solving approach that involves breaking down complex problems into their fundamental components and then reconstructing solutions based on those core principles.
So I did just that.
If a boundary is like a gate, it means that it delineates one space from another.
I think of gates as white picket fences surrounding a property sitting on green luscious grass with a house in the middle of it.
Maintaining healthy boundaries then means managing the flow of the ins and outs in a way that serves the property.
On this property, I see cattle, goats, sheep and chickens.
There is a also a garden where all sorts of fruits, vegetables and herbs grow.
Everyday, this garden is tended to and animals cared for.
The fence keeps the animals from roaming away and keeps pests from picking at the garden.
A land like this sustains its home and any excess is shared with others.
Whatever is within the gates is ultimately for its owner’s benefit.
"Boundaries are not so much the limits you set out for others, but the space you create for yourself."
What sort of space do we want to create for ourselves, really?
Have we taken it all into account and is everything in its rightful place?
I came up with my “first principle’s” solution to boundaries below.
I started with the belief that “Someone can significantly contribute to their peace and happiness by maintaining healthy boundaries”.
If you share the same belief, then you might find these steps useful.
Imagine if (someone called) Jean maintained healthy boundaries in his life. Jean would be living a life aligned with peace and happiness.
How do you imagine Jean taking care of his property?
Step 1 - Physical Body
Jean would diligently tend to his cattle. He is mindful to not engage in activities that will harm it. He would care for it, groom and feed it in order to be strong and healthy. He would keep it in the best shape, ready to carry out the next generation.
Step 2 - Mental Life
Jean would categorically protect his sheep from predators. He would direct and guide them in a clear direction to avoid them getting lost and following the wrong master. He would shear the sheep on an annual basis to allow them to shed what no longer serves them. He grasps that this is essential to preserve wool quality over time.
Step 3 - Spiritual Self
Jean would take counsel from the wise goats each day. He has seen where the goat’s curiosity allowed it to adapt to drastic change in situations, inspiring all of the others to strive and overcome. Just like the goat’s immense ability to adapt, they too have learned to adapt and rise. He conceives that such a divine influence is needed to overcome the uncertainties of his daily life.
Step 4 - Emotional Space
Jean nurtures his chicken coop. Jean takes great care of them. He ensures that they live free from the threat of preyers. Jean places great care in making sure that the space is clean and the nesting boxes warm and inviting for the next new batch. The chickens are fed, the chicks nurtured. He is mindful and intentional on who he shares his eggs with.
Step 5 - Social and Professional Life
Jean has a healthy social life. He regularly enjoys sharing his vegetables with his family, friends, neighbors, community and Jean is generous and abundant, nonetheless, he has a good balance and makes sure he has enough before giving away to others.
Step 6 - Financial Life
Jean doesn’t hesitate to spend his fruits joyfully. Nonetheless, he knows the importance to also transform some of it into jellies and jams to extend their shelf life. Jean is informed and wise and multiplies his fruits.
Step 7 - Personal Care
At the end of each day, Jean understands the importance of self-care. Each day he relies on his herbs to provide him with healing comfort. His evening infusions help wash away anything that has finished serving their purpose for the day. Jean believes in taking a moment to enjoy the moment. Jean gives thanks.
"Exercising proper boundaries is an act of pure self love"
My therapist was right. Although it may not have seemed that way, there were places in my life where I was living in a tiny box.
My boundaries had completely eluded me. I was spending a disproportionate amount of time tending to others’ domain, forgetting about my own.
Some of us are nomads walking down the road stopping from land to land, not claiming any particular one.
The ones perpetually moving away from their original wounds, carrying their entire lives in their backpacks. Wanderers.
Dare to settle down and start cultivating you. That is self love.
Remember, when you put down your gates, you may come off as aggressive, defensive and even offensive.
Rest assured, this is part of the process. You will get to a place where exercising your boundaries will feel less contentious, less draining. In turn, the world around you will respond positively and with abundance.
Nurturing your garden helps you, but it also helps your neighbor and thus helps the world become a better place.
I chose the former.
I remember walking into a building that didn’t look solemn enough for the sort of problems I was bringing to it.
I knew I was going to meet a woman. However I was hoping she would be the kind grave enough to meet the seriousness of my situation.
To my dismay, she was a young asian woman, with a sporty laid back outfit sipping on a green juice, kick-starting her early morning.
“That wasn’t good”, my 20-something year old brain thought.
I reluctantly shared the watered down version of my predicament, cautiously exposing my situation to her.
I masterfully hid the terror I was in under a load of justifications meant to cover the shame I was feeling.
Anxiously, I asked her for a preliminary diagnosis. I was convinced she would need a few months and many sessions to properly peel those layers and uncover the source of my troubles.
Without hesitation, she said she was ready.
That was really alarming! The complexity of this situation surely required a much longer deliberation!
Yet, she was ready.
“You lack proper boundaries” she said simply.
I was right. I knew our cultures would clash.
She explained: “Boundaries are not limiting. People who lack boundaries tend to get into situations similar to what you are describing.”
Noticing my perplexity, she added: “Think of your boundaries as gates to access you. Would you let anyone walk through those gates as they please? Who decides how and when someone comes in?”
I paused…
My highly informed specialist came out from the shadows of my blindspot with a new concept I had never really considered in that way…
“Just like a baby in a swaddle, boundaries will keep you safe”
In the years that followed, it was a recurring struggle with boundaries.
They were constantly being tested at work, at home, with my friends and community. In my mind.
I had to solve it.
In mathematics you can solve a problem in many ways but if you are stuck or forgot your formulas, you can always go back to “first principles” to find the answer.
Over two thousand years ago, Aristotle defined a “first principle” as “the first basis from which a thing is known.”
In real life, first principles thinking is a problem-solving approach that involves breaking down complex problems into their fundamental components and then reconstructing solutions based on those core principles.
So I did just that.
If a boundary is like a gate, it means that it delineates one space from another.
I think of gates as white picket fences surrounding a property sitting on green luscious grass with a house in the middle of it.
Maintaining healthy boundaries then means managing the flow of the ins and outs in a way that serves the property.
On this property, I see cattle, goats, sheep and chickens.
There is a also a garden where all sorts of fruits, vegetables and herbs grow.
Everyday, this garden is tended to and animals cared for.
The fence keeps the animals from roaming away and keeps pests from picking at the garden.
A land like this sustains its home and any excess is shared with others.
Whatever is within the gates is ultimately for its owner’s benefit.
"Boundaries are not so much the limits you set out for others, but the space you create for yourself."
What sort of space do we want to create for ourselves, really?
Have we taken it all into account and is everything in its rightful place?
I came up with my “first principle’s” solution to boundaries below.
I started with the belief that “Someone can significantly contribute to their peace and happiness by maintaining healthy boundaries”.
If you share the same belief, then you might find these steps useful.
Imagine if (someone called) Jean maintained healthy boundaries in his life. Jean would be living a life aligned with peace and happiness.
How do you imagine Jean taking care of his property?
Step 1 - Physical Body
Jean would diligently tend to his cattle. He is mindful to not engage in activities that will harm it. He would care for it, groom and feed it in order to be strong and healthy. He would keep it in the best shape, ready to carry out the next generation.
Step 2 - Mental Life
Jean would categorically protect his sheep from predators. He would direct and guide them in a clear direction to avoid them getting lost and following the wrong master. He would shear the sheep on an annual basis to allow them to shed what no longer serves them. He grasps that this is essential to preserve wool quality over time.
Step 3 - Spiritual Self
Jean would take counsel from the wise goats each day. He has seen where the goat’s curiosity allowed it to adapt to drastic change in situations, inspiring all of the others to strive and overcome. Just like the goat’s immense ability to adapt, they too have learned to adapt and rise. He conceives that such a divine influence is needed to overcome the uncertainties of his daily life.
Step 4 - Emotional Space
Jean nurtures his chicken coop. Jean takes great care of them. He ensures that they live free from the threat of preyers. Jean places great care in making sure that the space is clean and the nesting boxes warm and inviting for the next new batch. The chickens are fed, the chicks nurtured. He is mindful and intentional on who he shares his eggs with.
Step 5 - Social and Professional Life
Jean has a healthy social life. He regularly enjoys sharing his vegetables with his family, friends, neighbors, community and Jean is generous and abundant, nonetheless, he has a good balance and makes sure he has enough before giving away to others.
Step 6 - Financial Life
Jean doesn’t hesitate to spend his fruits joyfully. Nonetheless, he knows the importance to also transform some of it into jellies and jams to extend their shelf life. Jean is informed and wise and multiplies his fruits.
Step 7 - Personal Care
At the end of each day, Jean understands the importance of self-care. Each day he relies on his herbs to provide him with healing comfort. His evening infusions help wash away anything that has finished serving their purpose for the day. Jean believes in taking a moment to enjoy the moment. Jean gives thanks.
"Exercising proper boundaries is an act of pure self love"
My therapist was right. Although it may not have seemed that way, there were places in my life where I was living in a tiny box.
My boundaries had completely eluded me. I was spending a disproportionate amount of time tending to others’ domain, forgetting about my own.
Some of us are nomads walking down the road stopping from land to land, not claiming any particular one.
The ones perpetually moving away from their original wounds, carrying their entire lives in their backpacks. Wanderers.
Dare to settle down and start cultivating you. That is self love.
Remember, when you put down your gates, you may come off as aggressive, defensive and even offensive.
Rest assured, this is part of the process. You will get to a place where exercising your boundaries will feel less contentious, less draining. In turn, the world around you will respond positively and with abundance.
Nurturing your garden helps you, but it also helps your neighbor and thus helps the world become a better place.
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