I worry sometimes of being in denial…

Denial is a state whose main characteristic is not knowing you have it; this concept simply terrifies me. You enter a state of denial the moment you don’t see that you are in that state. 

I anxiously looked for the antidote to denial and could never find it. I thought it was “truth” and sunk further into the depths of denial.

I stumbled upon the real answer… eventually …

I went from blissful denial to a shocking truth

I remember a time in my childhood where I believed in infinity. This belief was established easily into my life as it had never been challenged before. I remember feeling safe in the knowledge that my mom and I would enjoy our beautiful deep love for one another, forever and ever, and into eternity. I adored her. Each time I laid my eyes on her, I felt like everything was going to be okay, because she existed in my life. Nonetheless, at night, I had this recurring dream where my mom and I were riding our bikes down a pine-straw covered path within a deep green luscious forest. As we reach the intersection, in the shape of a Y, I see her ride away down a secondary path to the right, waving goodbye at me with her beautiful smile. I was still standing at the intersection, petrified, paralyzed, not following her. In the dream, it felt painfully clear that she chose to leave me at that intersection, disappearing into the shadows, and that I was not to follow her. I would wake up in terror then instantly feel soothing comfort knowing that I was back to my safe reality. 

“At least in real life, she would never leave, and we would always be together”, I thought with an internal smile.

One day after school, my youngest uncle came to pick me up instead of my mom. As he greeted me, he said:

“Oh, did you think I was not going to pick you up? Did you think I died?” 

I was stunned. “Died?! What does that even mean? And why is this a thing!?”

He explained. 

I was devastated. 

I held myself back in the car eager to ask my mom if she too could “die” one day, secretly, fervently, hoping that this would be an “uncle thing” only. 

My mom confirmed. 

I was destroyed…

Our limiting beliefs become the gatekeepers to our denial.

We often find ourselves in careers that are only a continuation of a long road largely influenced by life’s circumstances, other people’s choices, a means to an end. 

The ones who consider themselves lucky don’t complain because their situation is not so bad, when they compare themselves with the masses. They are simply grateful for the opportunity and don’t allow themselves to desire things that are outside of their current realities.

These are limitations they happily accept because, of financial gratification, professional recognition, and social approval, they feel like they are “all set”. 

Experienced long enough, these soft parameters become uncontested beliefs which manifest into perfect pictures collecting many followers seduced by the mirage the lifestyle projects to the world.

Others stay in relationships unsettling to their souls because of old commitments made in ignorance of who they are. They fear it is too late to change and therefore ...“might as well”. 

We let others treat us in ways that are not in line with who we know we are inside, because we’ve already given up on the person in us who would have been concerned by such behavior. 

We often change ourselves to stay in the same place. 

We largely accept these situations because of what we believe about ourselves and about the world. We justify our actions and life choices based on our belief systems. 

Then what are beliefs and where do they come from?

So I did what any regular person would do in 2023, I asked ChatGPT !

Me: What is a belief?

ChatGPT: A belief is an acceptance or conviction that something is true or exists, often without conclusive evidence or proof. It is a mental attitude or state of mind that reflects an individual's acceptance of a particular idea, concept, or proposition. Beliefs can be based on personal experiences, cultural or societal influences, religious or spiritual teachings, logical reasoning, or a combination of these factors. 

From this definition, we can agree that a belief is something we believe but a belief is not necessarily true. 

Untrue beliefs limit us from truth. 

Untrue beliefs keep us away from reality. 

Untrue beliefs keep us away for life and from living it.

We establish and accept a belief system that supports our current reality, to justify and legitimate it. While many of these beliefs are right for us because they were lovingly passed on from one generation to the next, some keep tugging at us, some create turmoil and toxic stress in our lives. 

Some keep us up at night, keep us worried, keep us stressed, anxious or depressed.

I had the same dream many times over during my childhood, and as I revisit my recurring dream, each time I saw myself in the same place, standing in the intersection, immobile. I was afraid of following her, and I was afraid of continuing the path and leaving everything behind.

I was standing in the Y, afraid of living and afraid of dying. 

Where in your life are you afraid of an ending and a new beginning?

Where in your life are you dreading a death and apprehending a rebirth?

As I camped at the Y, I understood that the opposite of denial wasn’t truth. The opposite of denial was seeing that I was standing in the Y and never moved.

The opposite of denial was recognizing the scene, understanding the different parameters of the equation and the options I had.

The antidote to denial is awareness.

So what do you do next? 

I want to leave you with some practical steps for managing all this.

I’ve shared a simple 5-step-process to help you move from the place of blissful denial, through the shocking truth, and step into peaceful awareness.

My course, “Your Pathway” goes more in depth on this topic, however for the sake of this exercise, this will do!

Pay attention and recognize when and where any of these could be applicable.

The road to self-mastery will deceptively look like you can easily go through these 5 steps in an instant.

That being said:

A. Identify your limited beliefs. Try the following: 

1) Remain open with yourself. This means, no one has to know what you are putting up for consideration. No one needs to be involved in your internal process of identifying your limited beliefs.

2) Ask yourself the following questions by looking within your professional life and across your personal life:

-Where in my life have I settled camp, in fear of deciding? 

-What mindset have I subscribed to, to avoid stepping unto the unbeaten path? 

-Where might I be limiting myself to avoid discomfort and unease?

-Where am I afraid to grow and change?

3) Then list your answers in the following format:

-“I need” 

-“I have to.” 

-“I don’t have the choice to.”

-“This will always/ never” 

-“I will always/ never” 

B. Be Kind and Gentle. Are these true? Do you have actual evidence of these statements? Have they been co-signed by experts in the field? Are they being successfully (success as it relates to you) applied by the ones living with these beliefs? Do you want to be like them? If you can answer “No” to any of these, then these beliefs might not be entirely true and might not be serving you. Once your eyes start to open, remain kind and gentle to yourself. No need to crack the whip and beat yourself up for not having known a long time ago, or for not having acted a while back. Forgive yourself and the ones who passed these beliefs onto you.

C. Be kind to Others. How can you reframe these statements? What are some alternative statements you can come up with that better support you as a person? If you had to communicate this to someone you love and want to protect (your child, spouse, family member, friend), how would you reframe and deliver these statements?

D. Nurture Your Truth. Hold what you now know to be true and hold it dear and hold it close. Just like a plant, or a baby, nurture it and feed it slowly, gently, diligently every day. One day you will be sitting under its shade and eat its fruits. 

E. Live Your Truth. For those who fear choosing life and making a mistake, know that you won’t know that it was a mistake until you actually walk down that path. The moment you realize feel or sense that it is a mistake, you will automatically be in another “Y” where you will again have the opportunity to take a turn or not. And each time you must make that choice, you can now make it from a place of awareness and not from a place of denial.

Following these 5-steps can help you move from a place of denial andto a peaceful awareness. However, if this process of transformation speaks to you, I invite you to visit my course “Your Pathway” which was designed to help you move from the shadows of unintentional living to a clear path lit with meaning and purpose.

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